Now I knew it would be hard. I sit at my computer for most of the day, having a desk job. Covid has meant that I only need to journey form one room to the other to get my work done, I have about 2 friends so best believe I’m not out clubbing every evening. I lead a pretty static lifestyle.
I understand that not everyone is going to think the same thing when it comes to the big labels. But what frustrates me is the fact that these things have to be categorized so rigidly in the first place and then when your experience is different from the ‘typical’ affliction, you are an outlier and then it is more difficult being understood.
Before I fell off the face of the earth – I wrote about trying to wade my way through the Big Sad – and things I was trying to do to remain in control while my emotions spiralled.
I’m pretty sure I mentioned before that I’m terrible at doing nothing. That I need to have a ridiculous amount of schedules and daily routines to feel settled on any given day.
I have to say this has gotten so much better with the addition of one little thing.
I am interested in how we feel it and in fact, how we feel about it. Because I’m so f**king scared of pain, even though I’ve lived through all kinds of it and I live well. I’m at peace, but is it the strange sort of peace that sits on a frozen pond? Will it sink to the depths with the changing seasons?
There’s a weird phrase going around the internet at the moment – ‘main character energy’ – or something like that. When you look into it, it’s basically a bunch of girls framing their somewhat ordinary lives as an urban romance.
I’ve finally learnt that life is not about getting all the answers you want but about enjoying the process of thinking about them.
I think I stand with a lot of people when I say that the past year has brought around a lot of internal change for me. Well, to be honest, a lot of external change as well.
I’ve spoken about therapy before here and hello – I’m about to again. I freaking LOVE what I got from therapy. All I needed was some reframing of my mindset and it felt like life wasn’t actually so bad. That I didn’t need to be weighed down by my past and my own doubts. Those are all feelings that I can control.
So now I’m realising that my experience as a human being is not necessarily determined by me, and it makes me upset. I like to have control, we all do, but this is uncontrollable. This is the course of history. This is the progression of humanity.