I haven’t been particularly busy on my blog, which always happens when I forget what my point of view is. I guess it never really occurs to me that a shifting point of view, in flux, is still valid. I don’t need to know the ins and outs of an issue or an idea to write about it, or even feel comfortable bringing it up.
I think that after all this time I still come to think of my life as hitting ‘milestones.’
Moved in together. Tick. Got a cat. Tick. Full time corporate job. Tick. And now, Degree. Tick.
The weird thing about being unhappy and living in Negativity Land is that you quickly get used to it. It becomes the ‘normal’ of your life, underpinning everything with just a twinge of bad that means you can’t fully enjoy anything. It becomes irrelevant and cursory.
Before I fell off the face of the earth – I wrote about trying to wade my way through the Big Sad – and things I was trying to do to remain in control while my emotions spiralled.
There’s a weird phrase going around the internet at the moment – ‘main character energy’ – or something like that. When you look into it, it’s basically a bunch of girls framing their somewhat ordinary lives as an urban romance.
I’ve finally learnt that life is not about getting all the answers you want but about enjoying the process of thinking about them.
I think I stand with a lot of people when I say that the past year has brought around a lot of internal change for me. Well, to be honest, a lot of external change as well.
I’m tired. I am so tired of being made to feel lesser, emotionless, short-sighted, naïve, young, stupid, thoughtless…just because I don’t want to have children. Boom. There it is.
Why is that such a difficult sentence to put out onto the internet? Even now I’m dreading any comments that may come up trying to convince me of my non-ethical ways.
Why is it that I thought that every aspect of my life needed to be so meaningful? So serious? So life-alteringly complex. Some moments are just moments. Just there to be lived in. Enjoyed. Made fun of.
I’ve spoken about therapy before here and hello – I’m about to again. I freaking LOVE what I got from therapy. All I needed was some reframing of my mindset and it felt like life wasn’t actually so bad. That I didn’t need to be weighed down by my past and my own doubts. Those are all feelings that I can control.