The Problem with Demands in Love

I think about love and relationships a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I thought about it when I was single and swore off men after a bad experience with a certain dickhead, and I think about it now after 4 years of being in a (relatively) gorgeous relationship.

I typed ‘perfect’ but removed it, because there you go, demands demands demands. I used to think that I wouldn’t settle for anything less than perfect. That I deserved nothing less, because by Jaysus do I put a lot of freaking effort into loving and being loveable. That being said, my relationship is indeed gorgeous even though its not perfect. Let’s dissect why it took so long for my pea brain to comprehend that.

I have just come from watching a youtuber I like talk about her ‘no dating year’. This is, in essence, a fantastic idea that in hindsight I should have partaken in when I decided to move to Ireland. Sadly/Fortunately, my boyfriend entered my life soon after and we were dating within six months. Come to think of it, very cute story, I will make a post about it soon.

Anyway, this youtuber reflected on what she had said in the beginning of 2021, when she decided the time was right to be emotionally unavailable to men, solely focusing on herself. I think it was a brilliant decision, but something she said dislodged something I’ve held to my chest for a very long time.

I have always said, and always will say, that women are not rehabilitation centres for men. They like to visit, be healed with love and care, only to leave and continue their chosen form of dicketry. At least the bad ones do, before they cop onto themselves. I think the problem with this idea that I had, was that I was so black and white with it that it was causing both me and my partner pain.

The truth is, no one in the world knows 100% what you want, what you need, what you value, what you expect – right off the bat. It’s a hell of a lot to expect of someone. Why did I? Lordy knows I don’t fricken satisfy 100% of my partners expectations. I can be neurotic, sullen, dismissive, frustrated at the drop of a hat. No one’s list of qualities they want in a mate is headed with ‘prone to rage when I wiggle my foot too rigorously’. And yet – here I sit, still being loved.

My boyfriend is a the most forgiving person I know, the key to that is that he takes hardly anything personally. This is sometimes to the extent that he will not even notice someone straight up bullying him – and he will always come out the better, more respected of the situation – what an enviable quality to have.

So – I’m sitting in a mickey-mouse blanket hoodie with my cat on my lap and listening to this girl basically say the same thing I have believed for half a decade and suddenly I was like ‘this is incorrect’. What a revelation for a Monday morning.

The basis of it is, that sometimes even the best relationships require teaching – as opposed to ‘rehabilitating’ and I was drawing such a hard line that I couldn’t see the distinction between the two. Sometimes, you gotta make your point clear as day before someone (who isn’t you) will understand and act accordingly. As well as that, you are not going to do everything perfectly, and also will not remember the 2000 points of conduct that your partner and yourself has agreed to, there will be points of contention and arguments will occur.

I am just now learning that these arguments can be fought on the same side, as long as you let go a little and smudge that hard line.

God I feel enlightened today.

Until next time x

Published by Shell Spotted

Art, Insight, Travel

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