Nasty. Eight Legs. Unnatural. If you are fond of spiders you are going to want to stop reading right here. It does not end well for the spider in this story time.
Just last week I purchased the Ring Fit for the switch because I’m getting a bit pudgy and I can’t be bothered to do exercise that doesn’t involve fighting monsters and levelling up. I know its very adult of me. Kind of you to think so.
Anyway, I just finish a whole twenty minute workout session (hold the applause) and after doing the dishes, having some water and watching a YouTube video I’m like ‘yo, a bath would be hella sick right now’.
I’m not even messing. I said that out loud to my cat, because I’m a bad bitch like that.
So I run a bath and while its running I head back to the couch to devour more content before a relaxing soak of a about an hour or so. My partner was out at work, and would probably be back around 9:30 I think as I’m dipping into the bath at about 8:46.
My sweet, sweet Dan sits next to me and I give him some attention while I’m in the bath for a few minutes. Then – not even two minutes into me sitting there – he starts making his hunting noise.
He does this weird ‘eh eh eh’ thing when he sees a bird or a bug or something and apparently its all tied to old instinct and its all pretty cool. So he is doing his insect noise and I’m like ahh its probably a fly this is all good let me just turn around nice and slo-
A spider the size of a friggen OREO is dangling a ruler’s width above my head.
Uh Uh. No no no.
I have never moved so fast in my entire life. I was out of that bath, water all over the show, a towel around me as I stand in the doorway of the bathroom almost pissing myself. Then I realised I had a problem.
If I walked off then the devil spawn would slink away into nothingness and I wouldn’t be able to sleep. So I waited and watched until even Dan got bored and walked off. I stayed like that for 45 MINUTES. I had a stakeout for a spider.
It took my partner all of two seconds to dispose of it. The bath was cold by then so I just gave up and decided to do it the next day. That was my Thursday evening.
The next night my partner is out again with a friend having a drink. I am chilling in bed reading The Girl with the Louding Voice (which was amazing btw, highly recommend) when I decide ‘you know, I could really go for a bit of Age of Mythology right now, let me make my way into the living which is only about twenty paces away from where I am sitting’.
Not exactly like that but it makes for a better storytelling experience huh.
So I get up and walk into the hallway and I shit you not. Another spider bastard in my house. Bigger than the other one! And at this point I’m thinking nuh uh you bastard, how dare you disturb my peace a second night in a row? I was past fear at this point, and just angry.
I grabbed my partner’s big shoe and just as I’m about to enact justice, Dan decides that he’s a hunting god. He chases the spider until the asshole is under the couch and I’m afraid all over again because lord knows I can never sit on that couch again until that spider is gone from this life.
But Dan is still pawing at it and can see where it is, so I just have to wait and sure enough, he eventually chases it out from under the couch and it is my time.
I jump onto the couch and bring the shoe down from there, because you always need a safety buffer between you and evil when you choose to battle it.
Dan was put out that I got the bastard, but I didn’t care. I had a lovely session of Age of Mythology after that.
Until next time x