I’m pretty sure I mentioned before that I’m terrible at doing nothing. That I need to have a ridiculous amount of schedules and daily routines to feel settled on any given day.
I have to say this has gotten so much better with the addition of one little thing. A rescue kitten that has more anxiety than I do myself.
Easy, right? Just pop over and grab one of those from the shop, I’ll wait.
I’ve been trying to figure out why my little cat with anxiety issues has helped me with mine. Its not like he’s a licenced therapist or anything (at least not that I know of) and he doesn’t even talk, let alone help me work out what could be bothering me at the time.
I would say its just looking at his sweet little face but honestly I don’t think its that either.
I think it has something to do with being alone. And getting into anxiety spirals…okay let me explain.
I have definitely mentioned the fact that I go through spiralling and catastrophising and all that fun stuff. But what that actually means is that eventually, no matter what I’m doing, I’m going to dig myself into a trap of my own making through pessimism I can’t always control. It begins with a single thought that normal people would immediately dismiss, something like ‘Aww jeez I’m probably going to die right this moment if I don’t go put a load of washing on.’ I’m not kidding. Actual death. How this correlates to clean clothes I cannot tell you, take it up with my brain.
So usually, I lay out my day so that I have no reason to let my mind wander to the ridiculous, and it works. What is also very helpful is having someone else around – because then my mind is distracted with that and with them.
The trouble with that is – I’m in introvert – I quite like being alone and when my brain isn’t being a ‘big ol’ motherf**king duffel bag of shit’, I do enjoy my own company.
So we reach this conundrum when I want to be alone but as soon as my mood is low, or I feel lonely, or the wind blows 3 degrees northwest, my brain hits into spiral mode and I’m sat convinced that a meteor is going to hit the earth any second.
What is the solution? Dan is the solution, my friends.
My crazy, adorable, petrified cat is the answer. Because he fills that space where my mind can settle into and yet he doesn’t demand any social prowess on my part. In fact a very mechanical stroke manoeuvre I have developed means he purrs and I hardly have to move. It’s brilliant. The balance between being alone and being distracted.
I’m hoping this applies to my time doing nothing as well. If I can park that piece of my brain onto a canvas that can take it (like Dan in my example, I mean), then maybe I can get more comfortable actually just existing.
I don’t know to be completely honest with you.
Until next time x