I’ve been doing a lot of internal ruminating lately. About nothing in particular to be honest with you – except perhaps that reading Walden is one of the most boring endeavours I’ve ever partaken in.
I also haven’t felt inspired to write anything. But yesterday I wrote some backstories for D&D characters, I’ve been listening to Bo Burnham’s Inside album and Sean McLoughlin has shared a portion of his pain for the world to see.
I considered writing about the heat in Dublin. The heat gives me headaches – which I’m prone to at the best of times. PCOS is kicking my butt. My self-image is kicking my butt. But I’m also peaceful, thinking about farms (Stardew, Clarkson’s, Walden) and petting my cat and watching car shows with my boyfriend.
‘and I’m crazy about him’
I go through phases really. So right now, I’m thinking about how we go through pain. How it changes us. I hate comparing pain – I simultaneously feel like I have gone through too much and too little.
I am interested in how we feel it and in fact, how we feel about it. Because I’m so fucking scared of pain, even though I’ve lived through all kinds of it and I live well. I’m at peace, but is it the strange sort of peace that sits on a frozen pond? Will it sink to the depths with the changing seasons?
‘fresh fallen snow on the ground… a golden retriever in a flower crown’
The funny thing is, its only when I have nothing else to speak to me – no distractions, tasks, anxieties or people – that I tend to think that pain is important in some arbitrary way. Like it defines me in some way, or at least a part of me.
‘The world around us, is pretty amazing’
I’m listening to it as I’m writing this, lol. Anyway, I am in awe of the people who go through ungodly amounts of pain and get up the next day with pure joy in their hearts. I like my own weird thoughts and spirals, I like where it takes me, but lordy lord would I like for my peace to sit on solid ground.
‘We are entrenched in a – wait’
I’m sure you can tell this is more of a stream of consciousness thing than anything else. When you want to write, write, I suppose is what I’m saying. Even if you sprout nonsense.
If there is anything you take from this it should be this – check out Clarkson’s farm, White Woman’s Instagram and 15 Months. In that order I think.
Until next time x
Ps – shouldn’t have to say it but, all quotes are attributed to Bo Burnham