I’ve come to believe that women…and men, have been trapped in this wheel of shame and self-blame that no one likes to talk about.
In fact when people do talk about it, the body positive self-love community in particular, other people get their pants in a twist. A big twist.
Because how dare that overweight dude not feel like a piece of shit? How could that woman feel okay showing he natural bleeding cycle to the entire world? Simply demonic honestly. Shocking.
And so because those lovely people exist, not only are we feeling shame about natural life occurrences, we start feeling ashamed of our own freaking shame. It’s ridiculous and so engrained into modern society that it can feel like there is no way out.
I have tended to ‘overshare’ my fair few ’embarrassing’ features. I think it is the way of my people, as South Africans, we tend not to beat around the bush. Sure how can you when you live in the bush? When I’m on my period I tell people. When I fall off a treadmill I tell people. Whenever I feel like I’m not myself, I tell people. I’ve gained 8 kilos over lockdown and it seems to be the only thing I want to say to others.
Of course this was not always the case. I came to be this way out of necessity, because if I let my own thoughts sit in my head, unsaid, I can’t let them go.
That’s anxiety, baby.
Yet even still I feel silly admitting that once a month, I get so sick that I can’t make it out of bed. My natural bodily function debilitates me, and this embarrasses me. This morning I had to self-check, I was angry at myself for feeling this shame, but all the same it is there. I also need to talk about it, anxiety is demanding, so here it is.
I also feel that my anger shouldn’t be directed at myself, as much as I want to do so.
It belongs to the society that has demonised any form of imperfection. That promotes this image of a woman who doesn’t eat, shit or bleed. They are not pushing reality and it is messing with our self-perceptions. Of course we cannot be these perfect woman, perfect men, because they don’t exist.
So I’m on my period right now. I’m pissed off. I hope that we can eventually stop pushing this impossible version of beauty. They are marketing robots. We are people.
Until next time x